You gave everything for that relationship. You put all the meat on the fire, as the saying goes. you played it However, something went wrong. He has failed you. Something breaks in you. You get angry, you feel anger, rage invades you. Then you feel disappointment, sadness. And something dangerous can happen at this point: if you do nothing to avoid it, you may be headed to feel hatred and resentment towards the same person who, until recently, was the center of your existence.

One step… back?

You may have heard the expression that “from love to hate there is only one step”.

The reasons that can generate resentment are multiple, but there is a big problem: it is a feeling that generates suffering and does not contribute anything and, in addition, the accumulated hatred can bring many negative consequences for our well-being. There is also an “energy problem”, because by fueling resentment the focus of attention is placed on another person. In those cases, instead of investing the energy in positive things for oneself, it is wasted.

Negative thoughts or memories that arise continuously cause very strong emotions that immobilize us. Anxiety, anger, envy, rancor or resentment block us and prevent us from moving forward. This uninterrupted accumulation can end in two ways: an “explosion” of emotions, doing or saying things that one may later regret, or a permanent and unbearable state of bad mood.

To do

If you are gathering rancor, anger and resentment against your ex, you are not on the right track, because all those feelings, sooner or later, will do you a lot of harm. Get rid of them by following these steps:

Don’t “quantify things.” If you gave more than your ex in the relationship, what does that matter now? This is one of the most common reasons why resentment is generated: the feeling of having given much more than what we finally received. The error is in considering a relationship as something countable, putting columns of “must” and “have”. Relationships are not a business, so this approach will not get you on the right track. Do not fall into self-recrimination and self-punishment: what you gave was because you felt it and it was good for you at that time, so there is no point in recriminating yourself for it. “As I didn’t realize what was happening”, “what a fool not to foresee what was going to happen”, are useless phrases that don’t take you anywhere. Think from now on, not what has already happened.

Let off steam, if you don’t talk about what happens to you and just martyr yourself, you will simply harm yourself. Clarify the points, talk to that person, don’t leave loose ends, maybe you missed something that is causing you that discomfort and that bitterness. It may be a good thing for both of you to turn the page without hard feelings. If you feel bad, accept it. There is no obligation to be happy always, so if one day you feel in a bad mood, it is not the end of the world. The bad thing is when you get used to it as something “normal”. Sad moments are also part of life and serve to value the good ones, in addition to meditating on the really important things. If you think that something was “unfair”, reflect: what obligation does “life” have to be good to you? Moreover, not even that person who you feel has hurt you has the obligation,

And one more thing: not all people are good, many are absolutely toxic and contaminate everything around them. Do not put yourself at their level, do not try to “beat” them in that field.

Linked to the above: sometimes things don’t work out or go wrong… and it’s not the end of the world, it’s just a possible result. Does it affect you right now? Possibly yes. Will this last forever or will it fundamentally damage you? It only depends on you.

Do not put all the blame on the other person, take responsibility for the part that touches you (or do you think that perfection was embodied in you?). That person probably made mistakes, but maybe you did too. Take advantage of the moment to reflect on what you could have done better, to do better next time. Even if you only loved that person more or idealized them, it should be a valuable lesson for the future. Nothing is totally good, not totally bad. Rescue the positive aspects of the relationship, that will help you not to fall into a paralyzing and negative grudge. Perhaps that person served to open your eyes to something that you did not take into account before and that is something that will be useful to you for the rest of your life. If you decided to end the relationship, and think of all that it brought you at the time. Sometimes we tend to see only the bad as a form of protection, so as not to recognize what was good for us and not suffer for what we lost. Allow yourself nostalgia and sadness, over time they will transform into a feeling that brings you well-being.

Focus on positive memories and what you have learned.

When you finish a sentence, what do you do? You put an end point and you should do the same in your relationships. The past, stepped on and go around the same, nothing will change. Stop talking about it, don’t make it an obsession, don’t think about revenge, don’t wish harm on anyone: these attitudes immobilize you and tie you to pain. Concentrate on your day to day and especially on your future projects, that will make you see life differently.

Strive to improve, to learn, to improve.

One day, at any time, you will realize that you no longer remember that person and that when you evoke it, a smile is drawn to you.

That day, you will have taken a very important step in your personal development.

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