“One does not choose the family”, the saying goes… that is a great truth…
But neither does it imply that you are “condemned” to endure it.
And especially when it comes to toxic relatives.
walk away to be alright
It tends to be thought that it is a link that should never and for no reason be broken, but this is not the case: when there is a toxic person in the family who harms others, it is lawful and even mandatory to separate from her.
Why? Because the first thing we must do is watch over and take care of ourselves. If there is something that threatens our safety or physical or emotional well-being, it is imperative that we avoid it. If it is a person, we must do the same, even if it is a relative, because in that case it can do even more damage.
The signs
When we are in the middle of a toxic and abusive relationship, it can be difficult to recognize it and think that “it must be this way”.
Therefore, it is necessary to take into account what are the signs that indicate that we are immersed in a family relationship that is damaging us.
-They direct their insecurities and despair towards you. Everything they see as bad and negative, they project and make it carry on your shoulders, even though in essence you have nothing to do with it. As they are unhappy, they wait for that feeling to take over others, so they spread their “bad vibes” everywhere they can… and the closest family environment is one of them.
-They never appreciate your achievements, they deny or minimize them. They say it’s not much, that anyone can do it or that it doesn’t make sense. They are capable of destroying with a single word everything that has cost you so much to achieve.
They judge too harshly. They are not able to get out of what they understand and what they know and therefore, anything that is apart from that they see as bad or very bad. They do not separate your actions from your person, so they directly disqualify you before everyone, especially the rest of your family.
-They are experts in weaving destructive alliances. Its bad vibes spread and it is capable of forming a kind of “negative army”, which advances on what you think and feel, destroying everything in its path.
– They do not respect what you feel and what you say, they use various tricks to demerit it. They can become very aggressive or make you look bad in front of other family members, so that you have no way to defend what you think.
-Since he is a more or less close relative, he can know many things about you. If necessary, he will not hesitate to use them against you to get what he wants. Remember: they don’t really care about you, what they want is for things to be tailored to them and the way they feel comfortable. They apply with great mastery the maxim that says: “knowledge is power”, because they use what they know, without scruples, to sow their negativity.
– They are experts in not taking responsibility for their mistakes and projecting them on others, so you should not be surprised if at some time you find that others think that you did something, when in reality you have nothing to do with it.
– They do not hesitate to disguise themselves as “meek lambs” to obtain their ends. They come over and offer to help you, but really they do it to have weapons to get what they want. Do not be fooled: behind that appearance, a ferocious wolf is still hidden.
-Since for them you are not worth as a person, but as a pawn in their game, they will treat you differently according to who is around you. It may be that one day he treats you well and another ignores you or hurts you a lot, you never know what you can expect from him.
They are experts at victimizing themselves. In this way, they generate currents of sympathy and support towards them. In a moment, you go from saying “no” to saying “yes”, even if you don’t want to.
how to defend yourself
A toxic relative can seriously affect our quality of life. A work or study partner can also do it, but in these cases it is easier to remove it from our day to day.
The closer the toxic family member is and the more frequent it is, the greater the damage it can cause and the more difficult it will be to remove it, but it is necessary to find a way to do it, to preserve physical, mental and emotional well-being. It is not easy to cut a relationship with a brother, a mother, a father, a cousin or a mother-in-law, it is complex and hard, but it must be done, sooner rather than later.
These are the necessary steps so that you can protect yourself from your toxic relatives:
-Set limits, clearly establish what you want and what you will never allow to be done. You don’t have to do it aggressively, but you do have to show security and calm. It may be that you have an awkward moment, but in the future that will be very clear and nobody will bother you about that point.
-Without hurting, always make clear the aspects that you cannot attend to. If they load you with very heavy backpacks, just say “no”.
If someone in your family causes you harm, take distance, cool that bond. Clearly state that you accept and that you do not, say “no” to the manipulations. This way you will be able to recover your integrity and you will feel calm and safe.
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