Routine often intrudes on couples in an insidious way. It begins as a feeling that everything is fine, perfect, but over time, we fall into a relationship without fanfare, but in which monotony and boredom are the permanent tonic. When love becomes routine, someone has to do something to turn the tide.
warning signs
There is a very clear sign that the couple is drowning in routine: the feeling of loneliness, which arises even when accompanied by the other person. This feeling of emotional isolation is the strongest indication of the deep disconnection that has occurred with the other member of the couple. One of the great mistakes of long-term couples is that they tend to think that everything is done, that nothing can happen. In fact, this is not the case and day by day relationships of many years, even with older children, come to dissolution and one of the most common reasons is the feeling of routine and the unhappiness of one of its members, which silences the situation, sometimes for many years. Everything has a limit and it is necessary to attend to the signs of unhappiness in the couple.
How to break the routine
Don’t let the problem control your life and your relationship. If love is becoming a routine, act to avoid it.
1 If you recognize that there is a problem in the couple , you need to understand that the solution binds both of you. It’s very simple: making a relationship work is the job of both people involved. Do not try to force the situation or force the other to do what he does not want: if he does not act to change the situation and you are no longer happy, you should ask yourself if you want to continue in that relationship. Fighting alone for a partner that doesn’t work is not a valid option or one that can lead you to a successful conclusion.
2 “We need to talk”: When you see that the routine has gotten into your relationship, it is imperative that you have an honest conversation with your partner. Do not wait for him to guess what is happening to you, to perceive what you feel, that feeling of suffocation and confinement that usually accompanies routine situations. If you feel uncomfortable, you should speak clearly. It is even possible that he feels the same, but that he has not said it out of fear. The first step to change these situations is to explain what you feel.
3 Change the way you communicate. Stop getting entangled only in day-to-day issues, in what needs to be done at home, in bills and payments, in children. Take a moment to address others, such as the projects and illusions of each one. Perhaps a meeting outside the home will serve to talk about this type of thing.
4 “What do you think if we do this?”: talking about the problem is only the beginning. Both must propose solutions to the problem and begin to apply them. If they only talk, but do nothing, everything will remain exactly the same. Each one must give their opinion and do their best to turn the tide.
5 “Here there are no guilty”:One of the attitudes that usually prevents the solution of things is stopping to point out the guilty or wallowing in the frustration that the situation generates. When we limit ourselves to blaming the other, we are not doing anything to solve what is happening.
At this point, it is necessary to know if the problem is just the routine or covers up other deeper and more serious ones; finding them may take more time. If one of the two feels unhappy in the relationship, it is essential to find the cause, as the first step to solve it. Phrases like “you are to blame”, “you always…” or “what happens is that you…” do not add anything positive to the situation.
5 To overcome the inertia of the situation, it is necessary to “take the bull by the horns”, use the imagination to twist the course. Give each other surprises, change the places you go, there are always ways to change what is normally done, but for this it is necessary to stop making excuses. Phrases like: “Today we don’t go out because…”, “we’d better do it tomorrow”, “next week, without fail”, indicate that the routine has won the game and is already a third party in the relationship.
6 Listen to your partner again: it is quite common for long-term couples to stop attending to their needs and not take into account many things, because they are submerged by daily obligations and problems. Do not think that your partner would have the same opinion about the same things, people change their way of thinking according to what they are experiencing and therefore, the relationship must echo that change.
7 Love and good treatment are the foundations of a healthy and happy relationship: if they do not exist, it is difficult to establish effective communication. If we say something desperate or angry, the other may act out of fear or obligation, but not because he is convinced.
8 The “disconnected silences”: they are one of the great symptoms of the routine that annihilates the couple. When the silences add up and the conversation decreases, the day may come when one or both members of the couple wonder why they are still together.
9 Frustration and anger: these are feelings that usually appear in these cases. The best way to deal with them is by trying to change things.
10 Low self-esteem and a feeling of sadness: these usually affect people whose partners are in a routine situation, because they feel little valued by their partners. In many cases, it is not possible to describe exactly what is happening, but it is known that something is wrong because the relationship has changed.
