We often hear men and women complain about their difficulties in concentrating while they are having sex, that they find it hard to let go and disconnect from the worries of daily life, couple problems or sexual complexes or simply because of a difficulty in concentrating that limits us to time to fully enjoy sex. The president of the Spanish Federation of Sexology Societies Miriam Larrazabal, in her book Sex for Dummies, talks about how the mind and body must create a good synergy so that maximum pleasure is achieved. Otherwise, if the mind is distracted by other activities that are not related to what is happening, “the excitement is lost or is no longer felt while having sex.”
What could be the cause of this lack of concentration?
The main engine of worries are the ruminant thoughts that go around in our heads. From the simplest to the most complex, the economy, work commitments, studies, children, the couple. Thinking repeatedly and constantly about these concerns prevents us from getting carried away during sexual intercourse, since our body is worried, stressed, generating a state of alert.
We have many things on our minds but let’s stop and think for a moment how many of these thoughts really lead to a solution. Probably, the vast majority only serve to provoke feelings of anguish. Other times it is because we have some complex or we are afraid of not performing in intimacy, of not being good enough in bed, of not being able to satisfy and meet the expectations of our partner. All that pressure blocks you, that self-imposed pressure works against you, generates stress and directly affects your ability to enjoy, prevents you from concentrating and provokes a totally opposite and incompatible response to relaxation and letting go. You have to work the mental part, you are the owner of these thoughts and you can detach yourself from that pressure. Unresolved problems with the couple also lead to you not being able to concentrate, for example an argument, although sometimes sex serves as a reconciliation tool, other times the resentment moves to bed, where you stay thinking about what did or said to you or what caused the fight and you can’t concentrate on the act. It is good that there is communication, after making love they can talk about things they liked, things to improve. Let there be no secrets, secrets create negative thoughts and unfounded suspicions. Dialogue is fundamental, it is the way in which one goes from worrying about the problems to taking care of them and it is what leads to the solution. What can we do to stop this situation? First of all see how frequently it is happening, then reflect on the concerns and be aware of the stress that it generates in us and that causes us to not be able to concentrate during sex, so we will have to learn to manage that stress so that it is not stress that manages us. From that analysis, see how much time we dedicate to those thoughts that drive us around and stress us, that lead us to feel that anguish and the effect it can have on our health and sexual life. You will realize the amount of useless thoughts that you generate, and to which you are not giving any solution because it is not the time to think about that. Advise you: don’t think about it, it will directly activate murphy’s law where you will do the opposite and think even more about the problem, so the correct advice is to exercise attention, learning to be aware of where we are at all times, of what we are doing and to enjoy or respond appropriately to present stimuli. It would seem easy but it is not, it requires daily exercise. We can start by dedicating 10 minutes a day to focusing our attention only on breathing, trying to return to the exercise whenever we find ourselves thinking about something else. Dedicate time to relaxation exercises, abandon for a moment, the hectic pace of life, not go directly to the point, relax with good foreplay, massages, exploration of the other’s body and yours, prior masturbation can also help you let go tensions, take time for those little pleasures of sex,
Keep technological devices away from the space in which sex is taking place. WhatsApp message alerts distract anyone, even keeping them silent, vibration or light are distracting elements. Concentration doesn’t come by itself, it’s not like a light that falls over our heads or we don’t have a button to activate it. That is, we must do something to stimulate it and that over time it will be easy for us to reach it. Hence the importance of promoting its appearance. For this, it is essential to be here and in the now thinking about what is being done, to remove from our minds anything else that has nothing to do with what we are feeling at that moment and what we are executing.